Dr. Muffman,

I have many 99 problems in my life and unfortunately a bitch is in a couple. Can you please help me sort out my life? (CLICK HERE to see the 99 problems he has) I hope you can straighten out my life.... thanks again Dr. Muffann

-Mr. Frankenberry UW-Madison

Dear Mr. Frankenberry,

I would like to start of saying I LOVE YOUR CEREAL. Next, you did send me 99 questions. My first suggestion to you would be to stop worrying so much about everything. I can barely count to 99 much less think of 99 problems I have. But, to help you, and everyone else out a little more I broke these question down into some general categories.

Sex: Whether you are not getting enough of it, too much of it, or it just hasn't been that great, sex is often troubling everyone. It has troubled guys every eight seconds or so, I believe. It troubles girls far less often, because a girl knows she can get sex more easy.

STD's or the VD: Catch yourself a nasty case of the clap from that nasty slut at the bar last Friday night? Don't worry about it. Go to the doctor and get some soothing ointment from him. It will give you an excuse to touch your pecker. And look at the bright side, you have to get laid to get an STD, stop being so negative all the time. For those of you who gots the VD that likes to stick around, like herpes, just bang other people who have herps. IT'S THAT EASY.

Chicks: Chicks are the cause of many worries for guys. Worries like showering, buying deodorant, and manscaping. No man knows what chicks want or what they're thinking. The problem is: chicks are naturally huge cock teases. They were placed on this Earth to drive you crazy, and will continue to do so. This probably won't change for quite some time. But for any ladies reading this, stop being prick teases and just give up the goods.

Money: Everyone is always worried about money. Everyone wants to have more money than they know what to do with, like Bill Gates. I say fuck Bill Gates. If I had to spend my life as a skinny, wimpy, nerdy guy I would probably kill myself. Think of it this way: rich people do the same exact shit as everyone else; they just drive a nicer car or have a bigger TV, in the end, who cares? Get a college degree and a decent job, or a boob job and a g-string and you will make plenty of money to stay happy.

Dipshits: Dipshits are any group of people that piss you off. These may be bad drivers, coasties, hippies, or jocks. Do not complain about these people, they make your life more interesting. Think about what you would do if you had nothing to bitch about. Bitching is a good stress reliever. Recent studies have shown that people who bitch at least an hour a day have reduced risk of heart disease. So next time you see a dipshit, crack a little smile, and then start bitching about them.

There is a definite cure-all for these problems. Booze, porn, and sleep will cure anything. Why worry about solving your problems when God gave us booze so we can just simply forget about them. After the booze comes the porn. What is more relaxing than firing off a few knuckle children or flicking the bean? After the porn and booze, just take a nice long nap. During this nap do nothing except dream about more porn and booze.

Hope I answered your question,

Dr. Muffman